The Girl Who Never Grew Up

I missed a day of work. As soon as I walk in the building my first day back, people who needed stuff from me the day before line up at my desk before I can even log on to my computer. I have a long list of "biggest pet peeves". This is one of them. It reminds me of my parents when I was little. They would walk in the door, and because we were waiting all afternoon to see them, we charge them like we are about to run a blitz on a quarterback. My mother would always yell, "Can I at least get in the door?!"

I quickly answer questions, and begin logging on to my computer. Sybil appears like the weird ghost she is. She always does this. She has an odd way of suddenly appearing in a really creepy way. A pal of mine deals with this on a daily basis. She skulks to his desk quietly, and then suddenly pops up over the wall of his cubicle. He described it as: brown afro, then thinning grey hair, buggy eyes, then sinister smile. All appearing chronologically, in slow motion.

((shiver))

Anyway, so she appears at my desk this morning. She starts talking about something I have NO idea what she is talking about:

Sybil: That email about [blah, blah, blah], I went ahead and did [this, this, and this].

Me: I'm sorry, [Sybil], I haven't even opened my email, yet. I don't know what you're talking about.

She suddenly changes...

Sybil: JUST FORGET ABOUT IT!

(Practically takes cube wall out while storming off). This reminded me of her:

From here, I get to hear my favorite sound of the day: She starts talking to herself. I've come to realize she is likely telling me off, but not to my face.

The comes the sound of her butt hitting her chair as she angrily throws herself in it. Then I hear the chair whirl around in anger, and then she begins picking up her mouse and slamming it down, picking up her phone, slamming it down, I hear the sounds of heavy sighs, and the occasional loud groan. My Instant Message instantly blinks from a neighbor who says, "WTF did you do already? You just got here!" I was just asking for five minutes to actually read her email, but... I guess I insulted her. I don't know.

The tantrums are her MO (modus operandi). This is what she does. She slams stuff around and sighs heavily in her chair. She cusses out the air. Sometimes I just ignore her. I'm kind of used to her at this point. But, sometimes, if I'm busy or having a bad day, I just want to scream, "O MY GOD! You're as old my mother! GROW UP!!!!". But, I know, I JUST know, she carries some kind of shovel in her bedazzled handbag, and I don't have quick enough reflexes to dodge her swing (i.e., I'm too lazy).

Her tantrums continue for hours. It's like a bad movie that just goes on forever without a climax. It reminds me of my little sister (Amy, not the other one you may know). I remember one time she asked our parents for something. My parents, naturally said no, because they hated us, and "no" was their favorite word - unless it involved some kind of chore, in which "yes" was the most hated word in our house. Anyway, so they told Amy no, and she stormed up the stairs to her bedroom and slammed the door. We all stopped for a picosecond, and then it was business as usual. Kids flipping over chairs, my parents arguing, my brother microwaving a cat - you know. The usual. Amy didn't like that she wasn't chased or begged for forgiviness, and her door opened and slammed again. And again. And probably a fourth time. Suddenly my family was united in the living room, listening to the sounds of slamming, laughing, and then someone whipped out a guitar and we all sang a song about Jesus.

Ok, we made fun of Amy for YEARS (to this day), about slamming the door for attention.

And this is what Sybil reminds me of. I hear her throwing her mouse into a coma, and her pen at the wall, and I know that as much as I want to tell her to grow up, the only way she will learn is if we ignore her. I feel like we are teaching her life lessons she maybe skipped as a child. I don't know. Maybe one day, if I'm feeling extra maternal, I will pull her aside and tell her, "Sybil, come on. If you keep this up, they're all gonna laugh at you."

Then again, that reminds you of a certain horror film doesn't it? And we know how that one ended...

And, again... we're already laughing, so we may as well, you know, LIVE in the process. Let it be.

I want bells to ring, a choir to sing, the white dress, the guests, the cake, the card, the whole darn thing...

I eloped recently. Yep. We just did it. By "it," I mean, we went to work one day, decided it was time, went to lunch, saw a mayor of a nearby town (and conveniently placed equally between our two work locations), said, "I do/ I do", smooched, became a Mr. and Mrs. Him and Her, and went on back to work.

When my team at work found out about the nuptials, I received cupcakes, a nice picture frame, and some cards. It was so nice. The other night, my husband (wow, feels SO awesome to call him that), opened the card from my whole team and snickered. In the card were comments like "Congrats!" and "You are very blessed!". The one comment that stood out was very small (thus overlooked by me). It simply read, "Good Luck. [Sybil]"

Good luck? Really?

Well, I don't want to assume I know what Sybil thinks. I mean, who could know with so many personalities in that gigantic Earth sized head of hers (which supports a whole head of fro that has layers of color just like Earth has layers of minerals the closer you get to the center...). But, Sybil DOES seem to epitomize the very definition of everything that would drive people away from someone. Ok, ok, let me give you some examples.

1. Last night, I watched Family Guy. Meg is the daughter that everyone ignores, talks bad about, is mean to, and is sure she is hideous and disgusting. So when Peter's paralyzed friend Joe allows Meg to be his nurse when his wife Bonnie goes out of town, Meg takes the slightest kindness Joe gives her and develops a crush. Not just a mild, "aww, he's so cute" crush but a "He likes me, I want to be with him, and we will be married forever and have babies and I will kill his wife" crush. I even told my sexy husband (sorry, I'm still a newlywed) last night that the episode reminded me of Sybil.

Sybil takes kindness to be bestfriendshipness. If you show her a slight bit of nicety, she will cling to it so tight, it can be suffocating in that movie Misery kind of way. One day, I came in to work and said a special, "Hello, [Sybil]." She chirped back a hello. I went back to my cube, and proceeded to open a 20oz bottle of Barq's Rootbeer. Next thing I hear was a "Hello" in my ear. Literally, right there. I looked up, and she was standing practically so close, our noses could touch. She startled me enough that I dropped my pop, and the thing exploded in sticky messness all over the floor. Angrily I said, "What do you need, [Sybil]?!" Her response? "Nothing. Just wanted to come say hello." Psh. Didn't I JUST say hello to her?? One tiny ounce of kindness means she will be up my butt or in my face. No. Thank. You. I need my space.

2. The day of my hitchin', Sybil was especially mean, and was so noted by everyone on my team. She did not look at me, nor talk to me all day. Fine, Ok, I was getting a lot of attention. But, I sensed a rudeness from her. Whenever I would walk in a room, she would glare at me, and then look away. One of my friends even noticed. I finally told a friend, "Maybe she's mad because I've found two people to marry me [I was married before] and she's still a 60 year old virgin." I felt bad right away. But... judging from a FB status I've since read, I'm pretty sure there was a case of sour grapes centralized on her specific cubicle latitude and longitude.

The status? (paraphrased) "I think it's so annoying and childish for someone to brag they have a husband. Anyone could get married if they aren't too picky." O yeah. That really happened.

In my man's defense, is it really considered not so picky to choose the man I've been with for years? The one who does the dishes because I can't get my cast wet? The one who did my hair this morning because I can't turn my wrist to tighten a ponytail holder? Come on, Lady. You're jealousy reeks like caca.

3. She can't handle rejection. O no, no, you have to consider this one more fragile than a wee baby egg with a tiny little delicate chick inside of it. Everything you say to her must be kind (because, as decided, we all want to live and not be lasered to death).

One day, she stormed my cubicle in full on, "I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW" mode. Any other setting that would justify this need for someone would mean wearing scrubs, doctor's coats, and hearing, "SHE'S CODING" in the background. Yeah, Ok, who doesn't like being needed? I love it; it makes me have purpose. Still... I was also in need by a client. I was on a conference call. One my boss and the peeps who keep me contracted were on.

I quickly turned around, covered the mouth piece of my phone, and mouthed, "IM ON A CALL!!" pointing at the phone. Every other person who has seen these somewhat learned convention of Office Ethics and Charades would have mouthed back, "O! I'M SORRY!" with a wide open mouth, and apologies coming out in every pore. Then the person would suddenly vamoose. Wellllll... no, not Sybil. She stood there. Staring. Ok..., I thought, maybe she doesn't get it.

She finally storms off. I hear her throwing things at her desk, stomping, tantruming like it's 1999. Then I hear her tell someone, "I just have one question! GOD!" Well, God suddenly inspired me to reach out to her via IM to say, "What do you need??" I mean, she could have IM'd or emailed me, but she shall not be kept waiting. Her IM back was a stupid question I couldn't believe she was even asking. I asked her if she really needed my help, and she said, "[The client] is on the phone, can I transfer them?". Wow. What part of "Im on a conference call" was not understood??

I finally tell her I need to focus on my current call. She responded with a curt, "I guess I will take a message and you can just call her back when you get to it." I said, "Ok, sounds good."

The best part of this transaction? A) She actually got back to me LATER and said, "Don't worry about helping the client. I will go ahead and take care of it so you don't have to." (Good old-fashioned Catholic guilt tactic right there. Something a Catholic does not realize they are susceptible to until they are moving away from the Catholic world, like me) and B) She has SERIOUSLY complained that I dropped a ball on something important.

So I live another day in wedded bliss while I ponder keeping my happiness and wedding rings out of her face for a little while until she can get can get over whatever it is she's going through. We've thus decided she is 1. Stalkerish, 2. Jealous and 3. Saddened by rejection so much that I could expect to walk out of my cube to an impalement one day.

So, yeah, ok. I don't think so. I love my husband, and I'm happy to be happy about it. She can just get over it.

For now, though, at least until we get that marital life insurance thing handled, I will at least be wearing a bullet proof vest.